Archive for July, 2009

Stu on Mountain Lions

An authority on Mountain Lions

An authority on Mountain Lions

How do mountain lions keep their beaks so sharp?

If you know anything about mountain lions you know that the sharpness of their beaks makes it very easy for them to peck out people’s eyes. But most people don’t know how they keep them so sharp.. The most common method used by mountain lions is clacking. We’ve all heard the clacking of beaks in areas where mountain lions nest.  When the clacking is done making their beaks so sharp, well, that’s when they come after you.  It’s really amazing how little most people know about these “monsters of the deep”.

Now you know!

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July 30, 2009 · Filed under Stu Cranstence

Why Can’t Women be Scientists?

Stu Cranstence tells it like it is.

Stu Cranstence tells it like it is.

Why can’t women be scientists?

The reason that there has never been a woman scientist is a matter of practicality.  Can you imagine the constant nagging?  Day and night, night and day!  And what if there was a fire or an animal attack?  You can’t make much science when you have to keep saving all the women’s lives.  I know some women can learn things if we are willing to be patient and present our ideas in a simple form.  But this will inhibit the progress of science as it strives to free itself from the sheckles of domineering ogresses.  

Remember what I always say when studying vast scientific subjects like outer space; “The sky’s the limit!”

 Now you know.

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July 28, 2009 · Filed under Stu Cranstence

The French Wedge

Ever wonder what Steve Climber is wearing? Now available to the public for the first time, the French Wedge. Made of a revolutionary fabric, it never needs washing! Your hair, fluids and substances actually make it stronger, binding them all together to make this the most durable and cutting edge piece of outdoor equipment ever invented. Thanks to the good people at Archwood, you too can look like Steve Climber out on the trail.

Want to look like Steve Climber on the trail?

Never needs washing!

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July 26, 2009 · Filed under Flextrek 37 Trillion

Now You Know: Nocturnal and Amphibious plants

Stu Cranstence lays it on the line

Stu Cranstence lays it on the line

Many people don’t  know a damn thing about many things.  I’m here to clear up the misconceptions.
How  can you tell the difference between amphibious and nocturnal plants?:
If you know what the hell you’re doing it’s really quite simple.  Amphibious or ‘ancient’ plants are so old that they were invented over a hundred years ago.  Now, thanks to technological breakthroughs, we can use an instrument known as a magnifying glass to burn holes in the leaves.  Amphibious plants, because of their remarkable age, have leaves that are easy to reach, even if I’m sitting down.
Nocturnal plants, or plants that are far away, are too hard to reach and so I don’t waste my time on them.
Now you know.
I’m Stu Cranstence

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July 21, 2009 · Filed under Stu Cranstence

Now You Know: Stu sets the record straight

nowyouknow4
Many people don’t  know a damn thing about many things.  I’m here to clear up the misconceptions.

Shooting Stars:  Shooting stars are a myth. They don’t exist. They are an optical illusion that exists in the human eye, most commonly in the osiris and the ‘cornea’ (corner of the eye to the layman). Did you ever notice that no two people have ever seen a shooting star at the same time?
Endangered Birds: Many areas have endangered birds. The problem is that most people don’t know which birds are endangered  and which are safe birds.  By the time they figure it out their eyes have already been pecked out. Caution: Safe birds are the same in appearance as endangered birds!  In one widely documented case an entire town was taken over by endangered birds.  One family took shelter in their house but when the woman went into the attic the birds broke through a window and attacked  her. The man came up and was able to save her but her eyes were nearly pecked out. This happened so long ago that it was in black and white.
Now you know.
I’m Stu Cranstence.

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July 20, 2009 · Filed under Stu Cranstence

Fester Snethladge

This is a re-creation  of a slide show I did for the Sigma banquet at the Academy of the New Church in 1981. I love the photo of Fetser’s girlfriend Flower, so wonderfully played by Noel Rhodes. Her beauty was so great that it melted the film inside the camera.

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July 18, 2009 · Filed under Noel and Owen

Press release #5613

Owen Rose

Owen Rose during his difficult period

Noel Rhodes released this disturbing image of Owen Rose in response to the image of Noel that was released yesterday. Apparently Noel wants to smear Owen’s reputation by bringing up images from a difficult time in Owen’s life. Since this image was taken Owen has undergone a lot of therapy and has had extensive dental work done. He is fine now, honestly.

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July 15, 2009 · Filed under Noel and Owen

Press release #5612

Is Noel going crazy?

Is Noel going crazy?

This photograph of  Noel Rhodes has just surfaced and it has brought up concerns that he has finally gone mentally insane. There have been NUMEROUS reports in the past that he is dimwitted but until now there has never been conclusive evidence. Carefully examine this photo and draw your own conclusions.

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July 14, 2009 · Filed under Noel Rhodes

Steve Climber: The Beginning

In this early footage of  Steve Climber you can follow him as he checks on things and has a bit of a problem with Uncle Jessup.  Steve  is modelling the Flextrek 37 Trillion backpack and showing off  his flashy new hiking look (featuring the “french wedge”  shorts) in this fine Archwood production.

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July 10, 2009 · Filed under Flextrek 37 Trillion

Lorb Lorbson cheating on his wife?

Lorb Lorbson in Hollywood

Lorb Lorbson in Hollywood

The legendary performer Lorb Lorbson was photographed coming out of a Hollywood area restaurant late last night. He was seen dining with a mystery man who was not his wife.  The two rushed off when the paparazzi arrived to photograph Kevin Bacon who was also in the restaurant at the time. Old Lorb obviously still loves a good spinach pesto!

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July 7, 2009 · Filed under Lorb Lorbson

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