Posts Tagged ‘science’

Stu explains more about The Missing Link

January 19th, 2010 2 comments

An authority on evolution

What is the MISSING LINK?

The missing link was lost over a HUNDRED YEARS AGO.  Darwin (no one knows his last name) called it the ‘Holy Grail’ of science.  He searched the globe for this elusive treasure which he knew would bring him fame and riches.  He nearly found it in a cave but a GIANT BOULDER came rolling down at  him and he barely escaped with his life.  Even the huge bull whip he carried with him was useless against such a boulder.

Now You Know

Stu and the “Missing Link”

January 16th, 2010 4 comments

Stu Cranstence: soon to make another major discovery?

When will scientists find the MISSING LINK?

Scientists have been trying to find the MISSING LINK for over A HUNDRED YEARS.  It is very hard to find because it is made out of CAMOUFLAGE.  The scientist who finally finds the MISSING LINK will become very famous and people will stop ignoring him and will ask him to do an interview on a real T.V. show.  He will go to SCIENTIFIC CONFERENCES and no one will laugh at him. He will find the MISSING LINK inside the perimeter on his next expedition because then everyone will say he is the TOP SCIENTIST.

Now You Know!

Stu on Darwin

November 28th, 2009 6 comments
An authority on evolution

An authority on evolution

How did Darwin invent evolution?

Darwin (no one knows his last name) invented evolution nearly a hundred years ago.  One day he was walking in the forest and he saw five or six figures standing in a line.  The first one was a monkey walking on all fours.  The next one was standing a little straighter and by the time you got to the last one it was a man standing straight up! The disgusting thing is that the man was nude!  You couldn’t see his you know what because one leg was going forward, blocking the view. Even if you hold the page at an angle and look really close, you can’t see anything.
Then Darwin wanted to invent National Selection.  In a very famous incident he strapped a really ugly man to a table and turned the crank so the rope would pull the table up to the ceiling.  Then lightning struck and as they say, ‘The rest is a mystery’.

Now you know!

Stu has his findings verified

November 18th, 2009 7 comments
An authority on ancient pottery
An authority on ancient pottery
Question: Are your findings scientific?
Answer: For your information, my brother, Ron, took some of my findings (ancient pottery) to an actual university scientist who told Ron that, YES they do have a scientific name for these findings.  According to this scientist, these findings are called “droppings”.    I don’t need the establishment to tell me that my findings are legitimate  but for those doubters out there, ‘read it and weep’.  You can see me actually making these findings in a video that Ron made called,  ‘Stu Cranstence collects his findings’.
Thanks again to my brother Ron.  He enables me to do all the things I do!
Now you know!

Stu on Dislodgication

November 6th, 2009 2 comments

Stu Crastence lets us in on his secret weapon to find findings.

The truth about trees

October 20th, 2009 7 comments


Stu Cranstence answers a tricky question from Percival. Here is Stu at his best, holding forth on a subject he knows a lot about. He warns us about pointy trees because they are an endanger to the public.

Proof that Stu has found Mastodon remains

October 7th, 2009 1 comment


In an answer to his critics we here provide scientific proof of Stu Cranstence’s findings. In this screen shot from Stu’s film available for viewing here you can see clear incontrovertible evidence that Stu has found Mastodon remains. This was shot in the parking lot where a scientific conference was about to take place. Stu’s keen eye found this startling evidence of Mastodon activity. Remarkable!

Stu on Mastodons

October 5th, 2009 4 comments
An authority on Mountain Lions

An authority on Mastodons

A question I am often asked:  How are you able to find so many MASTODON bones and when will the Mastodons return?
The most effective way to find Mastodon bones is by remaining in the perimeter. When you STRAY outside the perimeter it can be hard to locate the cooler and that will become a real distraction. I would suggest looking near the car. The car tires often DISLODGE Mastodon bones in a process known as dislogication.
Mastodons have not been seen alive in West America for over a hundred years! They will most likely return when their wicked queen has been killed. What a great day it will be when the queen is finally eliminated. A great ceremony will be held and the great king will rightly take his place as the true ruler of the Mastodons.

Now you know!

Stu Cranstence answers another big question

September 22nd, 2009 5 comments

Meulah almost stumps Stu Cranstence with her tough question, but as usual Stu has an insightful answer.

Why Can’t Women be Scientists?

July 28th, 2009 2 comments
Stu Cranstence tells it like it is.

Stu Cranstence tells it like it is.

Why can’t women be scientists?

The reason that there has never been a woman scientist is a matter of practicality.  Can you imagine the constant nagging?  Day and night, night and day!  And what if there was a fire or an animal attack?  You can’t make much science when you have to keep saving all the women’s lives.  I know some women can learn things if we are willing to be patient and present our ideas in a simple form.  But this will inhibit the progress of science as it strives to free itself from the sheckles of domineering ogresses.  

Remember what I always say when studying vast scientific subjects like outer space; “The sky’s the limit!”

 Now you know.

Now You Know: Nocturnal and Amphibious plants

July 21st, 2009 No comments
Stu Cranstence lays it on the line

Stu Cranstence lays it on the line

Many people don’t  know a damn thing about many things.  I’m here to clear up the misconceptions.
How  can you tell the difference between amphibious and nocturnal plants?:
If you know what the hell you’re doing it’s really quite simple.  Amphibious or ‘ancient’ plants are so old that they were invented over a hundred years ago.  Now, thanks to technological breakthroughs, we can use an instrument known as a magnifying glass to burn holes in the leaves.  Amphibious plants, because of their remarkable age, have leaves that are easy to reach, even if I’m sitting down.
Nocturnal plants, or plants that are far away, are too hard to reach and so I don’t waste my time on them.
Now you know.
I’m Stu Cranstence

Why Stu has a thing about conferences

June 22nd, 2009 2 comments

This video may explain why Stu Cranstence has so many issues about conferences. In the video shot earlier this year you can clearly hear the scientists, some female, actually laughing at Stu’s presentation. He attempts his “CW” seminar but something goes terribly wrong with his diagram and he bolts from the conference room with the laughter of the scientists ringing in his ears. Since then he has been very touchy on the subject of conferences, but has recently agreed to attend further conferences in the hopes of being taken seriously by the scientific community.